Here's how.

Here's how my life goes: fuck-up, fuck-up, fuck-up. Elisa get's something great, then Elisa fucks it up.

So obviously this isn't entirely true, it's just how I feel at the moment.

I feel really weird - but then I guess I always do, don't I?

My parents are here and it's lovely because I've missed them so much. But last night we had 'the talk' that I have been dreading - the one about coming home. It doesn't seem like a possibility now, and I feel so horrible. Not just for me, but for Austen too. I feel as if I am asking so much of him. Really, he owes me nothing - less than nothing. I'm such a fucking bitch.

BUT, I'm trying to stay positive so on the other hand, as of today I am due home in exactly 5 months. That means I have lasted here, alone, for 7 months. So I've achieved something, right?

GAH. Can't concentrate.

What I really want is Austen to come visit, just to break up the last few months of my stay so it doesn't feel so long - for both of us. I've been looking seriously into how much money I'll have over the next couple of months, as well as plane tickets around the time he's on holidays. I think I can scrape together $1000. Maybe. The cheapest ticket I can find is just under $2000. Am I crazy to think we could find that much?

This is, of course, assuming he even wants to come all this way to see me.

Fuck. I'm the most selfish person I know.