Tuesday, December 22, 2009
I woke at 6:30 this morning, because I had to catch the 7:45 bus to school. I didn't want to get up so I tried to reset my alarm to 7, for an extra half hour of snoozing. The buzzer kept going off anyway, even though the little hand was no where near the alarm hand. "Oh crafty alarm clock," I thought to myself, "You have bested me again."
It was dark at the bus stop but I felt lovely and fresh, even though my nose was extraordinarily cold. When we were driving I was looking at the little hills covered in snow and thought they looked just like the sand dunes at home in the dimness of the morning.
I just got home from the Christmas party at school. I did not enjoy that. I'm tired of standing on the edge of a group pretending to have friends. But I'm going home so soon.
I left a little early so I could run to the shop to get shampoo, toothpaste and cashew nuts before my bus arrived. I slipped on the icy path and laughed very loudly. People looked at me like I was crazy.
It's very windy outside and it's swirling the snow around as it falls, and blowing it off the roof in huge sheets. It's all very pretty.
I'm content, and I'm looking forward to a cosy family Christmas and an explosive New Years Eve.
Life is glorious.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Well, I don't know what else I expected. Writing is all I can do.
I feel a bit like I'm going insane, but I expect that's down to being sick and exhausted. My sleeping patterns are all messed up again. I am tired, but I can't sleep. I tried. I can't.
Last night I was at the window watching the snow falling and crying. I didn't remember how I got there. I'd been on the couch moments before.
An hour ago I found myself standing up, holding a plate in one had and a sandwich in the other, watching one of the cats playing with a bug it'd found. I don't remember making a sandwich.
Maybe I'm sleep walking or something.
I have this weird sensation of time passing really really slowly, but also incredibly fast. I've had it before, many times. It makes me feel queezy.
I'm writing my SRP still but it's difficult it's turning into a debate. I'm arguing with myself about Nature vs. Nurture, Savagery vs. Civilization, Good vs. Evil.
I feel young, but not in the carefree, I-have-my-whole-life-ahead-of-me (which I do) way. It's different. It's strange.
I'm sick of thinking and writing sequentially. Life isn't like that. Not really.
Have I been watching too much Ashes to Ashes?
Saturday, November 28, 2009
After midnight tonight I'm not allowed to eat or drink anything in preparation for the surgery.
Before today, I hadn't eaten a meal in 10 days. Hospital food tasted like it was fucking gourmet. Also kind of felt like the last supper.
I've been trying to figure out what I'm going to think about before I get knocked out. They say you usually dream about what you think about just before you fall asleep. I've heard good things about general anesthetic-induced sleep, so I don't want to waste the opportunity ;)
Currently have antibiotics dripping into me, which is making it a little awkward to type. I've had this needle inserted into me for the past two days.
I'm in a two person room but I'm the only one here. There was this old lady before who told every nurse her life story and snored last night. Now she's gone and so is her bed, which makes the room feel rather empty.
Now I'm tired.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
I line them up in columns starting with the color I only have one of, then the color I have two of, and so on.
Today I had two orange ones, and two yellow ones. I tried to decide which color to place first, but I couldn't decide which one I preferred.
I brought my head down so that my eyes were level with the table. Upon closer inspection, I could see that one of the yellow M+M's was slightly misshapen.
Disgusted - but also perversely delighted, as this solved my dilemma for me - I ate it.
Now, my M+M graph was perfect, I thought. But even as I looked at the little colored circles I felt a pang of regret for what I'd done.
This was discrimination and segregation at it's worse.
Shaking my head sadly, I carefully gathered all of my little chocolate friends together in my left hand.
I ate them all in one mouthful.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I've been so busy lately. Just finished up a five day weekend, which turned into a six day one as I pulled a sicky yesterday, and now a seven day one, as my classes were canceled today.
I could write all about what I did during those five days, but I feel like I haven't got time. It's ridiculous, because really, I have all the time in the world. I'm sitting here on my laptop, drinking my coffee in the kitchen, in Europe, for fucks sake. No uni or anything to worry about. But I know that there are things I should be doing - things I've been putting off for weeks.
Oh, fuck it, I don't even care.
My life at the moment is all about the writing. I can't remember if I've said so in here but I'm doing nanowrimo this year. It's where you have to write a novel of 50 000 words in the 30 days of November. But because I was doing so much over the weekend, I missed four whole days of precious writing time. As a result, I spent most of yesterday typing furiously in my room. I'm now on just over 10 000 words, which is no where near enough.
Anyway, how about an excerpt? Yes, I think this is altogether necessary:
Making up his mind he glanced in both directions and crossed the street. Cassie turned when she heard him approach. She looked frustrated at first, but when she saw him her face lit up, and she smiled.
“Oh, hello,” she said, “What are you doing here?”
“I live across the road,” he answered, pointing, and she nodded in understanding.
“I live a few houses down,” she said. He almost said, “I know,” but stopped himself just in time and instead returned her nod and asked,
“What are you doing?”
He could see now that she was holding a piece of paper and a roll of sticky tape in one hand, and that she had a bunch of the same paper wedged in her sling.
“I'm putting up posters,” she replied, and handed him a sheet. It read, in bold, black font, “LOST: AIR GUITAR. If found, please call or text 0384 667 766”. Ed looked back up at Cassie and was greeted with a half smile. He laughed,
“Do you think anyone will actually reply to this?” he said, handing it back to her.
“I intend to find out,” she answered, before turning back to her work. Ed watched as she placed the paper against the the tree, then proceeded to hold it in place with her forehead while she attempted to blindly tape it on. He laughed again,
“Do you need a hand?”
She looked sideways at him from her strange position and grinned,
“I was beginning to think you weren't going to offer at all.”
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
I read Olalla, by Robert Louis Stevenson. Before reading it, I was not a fan of his at all. I have of course read both Treasure Island and The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, and they were such let downs for me. Olalla, on the other hand, I loved. The plot and the language were much better constructed, and the characters were considerably less annoying.
The day was perfect for reading this kind of text. It was gray and over-cast, but I didn't find it depressing. It was beautiful. The air was fresh and clean.
The one thing that upset me was the sheer amount of cigarette butts all over the ground around me. Smoking is a disgusting habit - I've always felt like this - but what saddened me the most was that it brought up a memory I'd forgotten; I smoked a cigarette on Saturday night while under the influence.
Why do I drink? Nothing good ever comes of it. I always regret things I've done on a big night out. One day soon I'm certain that I'm going to do something terrible and irreversible after consuming alcohol. Will this thought stop me from drinking? I am 100% certain that it will not. Aren't I ridiculous?
Well, I am what I am.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
It's non-profit website where you answer questions on your choice of subjects. For every correct answer, 10 grains of rice are donated to the United Nations World Food Program to help end hunger.
It's such an easy way for people to make a difference :)
So what are you waiting for? Go go go!!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I woke up very early this morning to get to school on time. I'm not a morning person at all and I need at least an hour and a half to start functioning properly.
It was pitch black when I woke - like the middle of the night. And then when I went out to the bus stop it looked like this:
It was really very pretty. Oh, and the photo is really bad quality cause I took it on my phone ;)
What was the point of this post again?... Oh well, off I go. Lalala.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
A writer would be able to say that she wants to die - in some ways - but that in others she knows life goes on, and that death solves nothing.
A writer would scribble down the fact that she hates that she is no longer in control; that she doesn't know what's going to happen in the future and that that's what hurts the most.
She would say she doesn't know how she feels.
She would describe a knot in her stomach and a lump in her throat and a weight on her heart that she doesn't understand.
A writer would jot down that she cries not for unrequited love, but because she's not sure what love is, if she's had it, if she's lost it, if she'll find it or even if it exists at all.
But I am no writer. I'm just a girl.
Monday, October 12, 2009
When something keeps you going and then something goes away, it's just a matter of finding something new, right?
But what if you don't want anything different, because what you had before was perfect?
What do you do then?
What happens to a person who can not maintain hope?
Monday, October 5, 2009
It's silly, really, that I should begin something new when I already have something else that's rather large in the works. I suppose that's just the way I am. I've had this idea festering away inside my tiny brain for at least a month, and I finally decided that I just had to get it out.
It's a play with two main players. There are a couple of minor characters too, but they have about one line each, if any. The main characters names are Paloma (a prostitute) and Duane (one of her clients). It's written mostly in dramatic monologues and is set in Paloma's apartment, and the street outside it.
I don't really feel comfortable revealing much more on the internet. Not that many people read this... But I suppose you can never be too careful.
However, I will leave any unknown readers with this:
It's a preliminary design for the stage that I quickly whipped up on paint, earlier today.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I've been wasting way the time surfing the internet, playing tetris on my ds, and watching re-runs of 90's tv shows.
I'm feeling terribly lethargic, and totally stagnant. I need something productive to occupy my time.
I have assignments, of course, but they seem so pointless when I know that they don't count for anything. I have tennis training this afternoon, which I don't want to go to, even though I know it will be good for me to get the endorphins pumping, and that I'll probably end up enjoying it.
I think I should start a new craft project. Perhaps I will finish sewing the skirt I abandoned a couple of months ago. Or maybe I should start making some presents in preparation for Christmas. Of course, I know I am being very premature, but putting together creative things takes time - especially for me.
Well then, that's settled I suppose. I'll start tonight.
I played with the kittens today.
Isn't she lovely?
Sunday, September 20, 2009
I've had a great weekend. I waent to a Beatles musical on Friday night, which was fantastic. The actors had amazing voices. After we went to The Viking (bar) to chill and chat. A newbie from Canada missed the last train and almost had a panic attack. I let her stay the night at mine.
I think everyone in the world should just take a deep breath and relax. No problem is too big to be solved, no matter how inevitably bleak the outcome may seem.
Yesterday we went to a birthday party for Thor. He was turning 12. Most people left at about 9. At about 10 everyone went to bed except me and Thor's father, Ken. We sat around drinking gin and tonic and talking until 1am. It was a nice night. You'd call it 'hyggeligt', if you were Danish.
I have now moved rooms into the tiny one in the loft of my host families house.
It's the perfect place for contemplation. Much quieter than the rest of the house - a space I can claim as my own.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
I walked through the gates and there was a big group of people waiting for me. Linley and the girls were holding a ridiculously huge banner that said "Welcome home Elisa!".
My family was also there, as well as I think Julz, Megan and a few others.
Then standing right in the middle of the group, at the front, was Austen.
The walk towards them seemed to take forever and I was thinking to myself, "Stay calm, walk normally", but then I thought, "Fuck this", and I threw my bags down right in the middle of Arrivals and ran into a big hug from Austen.
I started crying and then he was holding my hands and saying how much he missed me and I said, "Kiss me quick, before I feint", and he did.
And that was all.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
It's bizarre and fantastic and wow.
Time for bed. School in the morning. Disgusting.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
My six year old host brother is tired and crying because he misses his mother. He can not sleep without being read to.
My ten year old host sister is currently sitting by his bed, reading a book to him.
Isn't that lovely?
She's very special.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Got back from England two days ago. It was a fun time. Got to hug my mummy (yay!) and dad and I had some good giggles :)
I wrote a poem while over there:
It's hard to stop yourself from dreaming
When dreaming is all you have left.
When you've been gone so long, so far,
That the distance had left you bereft
Of his face and his hands and the curve of his back,
Which kept you so long entertained,
On late nights - Now early flights-
Now fatigue and aches and pains.
When settling is all you want,
And disruptions are all you get,
The dreams are what you hold on to-
When you're alone sometimes you forget
That alone is never really alone
If someone is prepared to wait,
So you hold on to those dreams of him, soon,
Of one kiss - one look - one embrace.
Is it good or bad? I don't know, but I like it, and apparently so does he :)
4 and a half months left. I'm counting down the days.
Monday, August 17, 2009
So obviously this isn't entirely true, it's just how I feel at the moment.
I feel really weird - but then I guess I always do, don't I?
My parents are here and it's lovely because I've missed them so much. But last night we had 'the talk' that I have been dreading - the one about coming home. It doesn't seem like a possibility now, and I feel so horrible. Not just for me, but for Austen too. I feel as if I am asking so much of him. Really, he owes me nothing - less than nothing. I'm such a fucking bitch.
BUT, I'm trying to stay positive so on the other hand, as of today I am due home in exactly 5 months. That means I have lasted here, alone, for 7 months. So I've achieved something, right?
GAH. Can't concentrate.
What I really want is Austen to come visit, just to break up the last few months of my stay so it doesn't feel so long - for both of us. I've been looking seriously into how much money I'll have over the next couple of months, as well as plane tickets around the time he's on holidays. I think I can scrape together $1000. Maybe. The cheapest ticket I can find is just under $2000. Am I crazy to think we could find that much?
This is, of course, assuming he even wants to come all this way to see me.
Fuck. I'm the most selfish person I know.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I was going to go for a walk but it looks like rain.
The party in Christiania was pretty cool. It was like a massive street party and there was a really good dj playing great house music. I got kinda grossed out by some guys who were talking to us while we were sitting down cause they were seedy as and snorted coke in front of us. Yuck.
Tonight Elisabeth and Julie are going to see Madonna, so I've got to babysit Eric until Johannes gets home from work. Woo - hoo.
Goddamn Elisabeth wants me to paint her some raver nails. SO I'd better go do that... I guess... sounds like a party.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
It's been pretty great apart from one night where we had a dnm and I'm pretty sure I just cried and bitched all the way through.
We went to Christiania on one of the days and had a wonderful walk around through all the houses and by the lake. We found an abandoned building and Julz walked in on a woman performing fellatio on a man there.
We spent one day at the beach with my host sister -
Last night we went to see Aqua play in the Tivoli gardens in Copenhagen. It was pretty fab and after we me up with Ash and Maddy for drinks in a bar, then late night Burger King.
On the walk home I was quite munted I think, because I barely noticed walking far - which we did, because the night bus doesn't stop close to my house. We walked past a building where a couple of guys stuck their heads out the top floor window and one yelled down to us. Conversation went along the lines of:
Him: It's not often we see such attractive ladies walking down the street at this time.
Us: Yeah... Thanks...
Him: Listen, I'm an honest guy so are you girls interested in any sexual seduction?
Him: Are you sure? Not interested in any sex?
Us: No thanks.
Him: Ok, have a nice night.
Us: Thanks, you too!
Him: *TOTALLY INSANE SCARY LAUGH*
Further along our walk we found some long haired cattle in a field and went to say hi. I was wondering out loud how they could possibly keep the cows in the field with such a flimsy wire fence when it electrocuted me - the bastard. At the time I hardly felt it and I was laughing but now, the morning after, my limbs are so sore!
Tonight there is a summer party in Christiania which Julz and I are going to. It should be fantastic, and today I'm going to buy some gum boots and a giant cardigan to wear to it :D
Anywaysies I've gone and written too much now haven't I?
Monday, August 3, 2009
Just had a conversation with my ex on fb. I can always tell I am mega bored when I end up talking to him. I pretended to be interested for at least 15 minutes!
I need to straighten my hair. It's all curly and threatening to swallow my head whole. And then what would I be? Just a headless body walking around - that would be rather pointless.
I'm gonna make a case for my harmonica so that it won't get scratched.
Hmmm, maybe I should spend less time accessorizing my stuff, and more time actually using it.
Shit I'm tired. I should really get some z's...
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Pretty epic, right? Yeah, I'm kinda awesome like that. The kids were impressed, at least.
Tonight we leave Bornholm.
We pick up Julz from Copenhagen airport tomorrow morning at 10. I'm amped.
Now I'm off to have a shower and a nap before we leave.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Well, in my defence, we're going down to the beach in about 30 minutes, so I don't really want to start doing anything more time-consuming that I'm going to have to stop in the middle of.
It's a bit windy out, but still beautiful.
I'm eating chips. So much for now carbs.
Here's to adherence.
You can't really see it but let me just tell you it is very very weird. She thought it was funny, and bought it as a sort of joke, but I love it.
I have made a start on this story of mine, but it's very average, I think. I'm not sure about the format I've written it in. I think it might be too complicated.
I'm going for a walk now. Bornholm is beautiful in the summer time.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Detox detox detox - I feel like death.
My body hates me, seriously.
P.S. Why doesn't my digital camera have a self-timer function? It's really giving me the shits.
I have something else on my mind so I can't really focus on what it is that I'm typing.
I feel strange and I'm sorry, but I still want to go home.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Mystery solved - end of chapter.
I feel liberated.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Yeah, ebay. Austen was impressed. He was all, "You hear people saying 'I bought it on ebay' in movies and stuff, but you actually have in real life!"
I started playing today and I can semi play Hallelujah. I'm proud :)
Ooo look at me, I'm playing harmonica! Special.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
I love to ride it.
I love to make love to it too.
So feed the horse!
Good song, good song. Well, not really, but it brings back some rad Euro Tour '09 memories.
Saw Kaiser Chiefs last night. It went aaaaawfff like milk in the sun (except better).
Went to dinner at a friend of my host families tonight. It was surprisingly fun. Her daughter is cool and we hit it off so we'll probs chill soon.
In the mean time, everybody just feed the horse (yum yum).
Friday, July 24, 2009
I placed my hand under the tap and found that the running water was steaming.
Lying back down I touched my sides with my fingers and was shocked.
It was I who was cooling the water; it was I who was cold.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Frank and I were just talking on msn and we both realized we share a rather interesting prejudice.We've named it 'anti-idiotism'.
I have a really big intolerance for stupid people. I'm not talking about people who do crap in school and blah blah blah; I'm talking about people who seem to have no concept of the aforementioned logic.
Granted, I had a lapse yesterday, but it only took me an hour or so to re-gather the tendrils of my thoughts (and, by the way, it was also largely lack-of-sleep-induced).
So I'm sure I had a point or something but I have forgotten it. Fantastic.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Yesterday, I was on imdb.com (internet movie database) looking at Flight of the Pheonix cause it was on TV. I was looking at the message board and I found this:
warning: do not show this movie to children!
i rented this movie for my children believing it to be the harry potter movie called 'order of the phoenix.' i left the room and now the children are having horrific nightmares. DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE I DID. wal mart refuses to accept the return of this horrific movie since i broke the seal. warning to all and to all a good night.
I laughed my head off. What a complete and utter moron. Some people just shouldn't be allowed to pro-create. Oh, and in case you were wondering, this is what the cover to Flight of the Pheonix looks like:
I understand the confusion, cause there is that one book where Draco puts a spell on Harry that makes him look 25 years older but inexplicably improves his eye site, then he has to fly a plane through the desert to get to Hogwarts. What - you guys don't remember that one?
There were plenty of nasty messages in reply and among them was this:
I suppose u have a rule for not shooting up skag in front of the kids then.
The original idiot replied:
no in mah family we dont do nuthin like that. i had too many cousins fall to meth n marijuana that i wont let my kids even no what it is.
I love it. I want to meet this person. And of course, I couldn't help adding my two-cents to the discussion.
HAHAHAHAHA this is awesome.
The fact that anyone could make this mistake just blows my mind.
Not to worry everyone, there is still hope for the human race.
And by the way, I agree, you write like you're pre-pubescent.
End of hilarity.
He has a nice accent with the added bonus of being verra verra cute.
Of course, he's also a gay vegetarian. I like that :)
I went over the stitching on my bag. I don't think it'll break now - I'm more worried about the button coming off... But anywhosel, this is what it looks like:
I look like a freak. The bag, on the other hand, looks fabulous, darling.
Had a big cry today but I feel a little bit better now. Don't feel as if I've got any further decision-wise though. As The Clash so aptly put it, "Should I stay or should I go?".
There's no easy answer, but there never is anymore, is there? Welcome to the world of adults, Elisa.
:( Growing up is no fun.
And if I continued along my way for hours - ignored the pain and the fatigue - I wonder what would happen?
If I just took no notice of the warning signs my body was providing - kept on and on for miles - would I just run forever?
Or would I - as I strongly suspect I would - simply drop dead?
There is something wrong with this picture. I no longer feel like the Elisa I know so well.
My heart hurts.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Once again I find myself staying up later than is practical and dreaming of my home.
I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up. Everyday seems to be a struggle. Tiny, niggly, things keep getting on my nerves and pushing me to breaking point.
My brain hurts from the effort. I'm always tired, always feeling ill.
I don't sleep during the night, because the night is the only time I have to myself at the moment, when I can deliberate without interruptions.
I don't eat much, partly because I often sleep through breakfast and lunch, and partly because I haven't the stomach for it anymore.
I think I looked pretty today. I blow-dried my hair but didn't straighten it so it sort of floated around my head in loose waves. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "I should go out".
But what's the point, really, when my boyfriend is thousands of kilometers away? Who have I got to look pretty for?
So I stayed inside all day, watching tv and checking my facebook and myspace and deviantart every fifteen minutes to find no new alerts.
Is this really all my life has turned into?
Monday, July 20, 2009
There it is, in all its slanted glory.
Sometimes I stay up too late and when I reach that point beyond tired I feel like nothing's real and I do silly things. This was rather silly, but the nice kind of silly that I don't regret.
I'm almost at that point right now... Almost, but I'll be going to bed soon so it shouldn't get that far.
I also made a bag yesterday. It's rather simple but I like it a lot and I just realized it's the perfect size for my laptop, which is quite lovely. Though I might have to go over some of the stitching to make it stronger if I'm carrying something that heavy (not that my laptop is heavy - just heavier than a wallet and a phone, I mean).
I don't know why I'm writing in this when I know that people don't read it.
I had a nice talk to Austen today. It was fab, but it always is.
I want to go home so much. This is shit.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Turns our I don't feel like going out today. Watching Outtback Jack cause they're in Perth.
Boring Perth. Lovely Perth. I'd like to go home very much. My dad's not happy but maybe I can change that. Would like to see Austen.
I think I could probably last the next 6 months if he could come visit or something. I dont't think he has the money and even if he did, it would probably be smarter for him to save it.
Doing the smart thing is never as fun though.
I would pay for the ticket if I had the money. Money money money. I hate money.
Going now, being boring. I shall make something.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
I'm watching Little Britain but it's not very funny after the first season is it?
Perhaps you would like to see some photographs? I wonder how you put photographs on here. I'll figure it out in a momento. Ah there's a clicky thing - a button.
Wonder what piccies I have on my computer. Oh, I found some celery. Good hustle team.
I'm not sure why I have that. Maybe because I sometimes eat celery. But I also sometimes eat cabbage, and sushi, and chicken, but I don't have photo's of them.
I wonder if I have anything more interesting... Oh yay!
That is my boyfriend. His name is Austen. He is not naked, I promise. He doesn't know I took that photo. Huzzah!
Dee dee dee I'm going to go and learn a magic trick.
Megan has a blog, Emily has a blog, people have blogs, now I have a blog. I just copy others because I don't have original ideas anymore. I think I saw the last of them slip over the fence last night as I was getting a glass of water.
Today I returned from France. I'm tired. I had coffee and cake. I bought a funny t-shirt online.
Tomorrow I will go to Copenhagen to meet Kate and so some shopping. I will buy some material to sew a bag, and a harmonica (if I can find one) because I want one.
It's too late for this.
What a party animal.