How detached.

How detached can one person become from all that surrounds them?

I suppose that we shall see.

People push from all directions. Why can't we co-exist in peace?

I wish.

I wish our stupid scanner would work. Dad is trying to fix it... In the mean time I guess I'll have to settle for taking shit photos.

I painted this last night, consumed with fatigue, but wanting to produce something pretty. It was supposed to be me, but she looks sooo very Caucasian. Dammit.

I am stoned.

I am stoned as fuck and all alone in a dark room. All I can feel is the wall behind and the floor underneath. I can't see anything. Maybe there is an infinity of space around me. Maybe I am in outer space. Right on the edge. Right in the corner facing it all. I would never even know.

Alone.

I am not what you want. Not anymore, or maybe I never was. Just in my head. Consolation prize number one. The only time I come first.

I see them. They are legs and skin and lips. I am tears. But like them I am only on your mind as long as I am in site. Your head follows your eyes, just as your dick does. That's why I like to do it in the dark. I am the centre of your world when you are left alone - when no other tits fill the space. Can't you see the fucking irony you imbecile?

Second best, second best, second best. Nobody's first choice. Nobody's favorite. Nobody's one. It burns. And fire is the one hurt I can never seem to grow accustomed to. A blade pulled repeatedly over skin is preferable. But there's only so much blood you can watch as it beads and runs on the surface. There are only so many times you can stop yourself from pushing harder - digging deeper. Excavate a vein and pull till it bursts.

I want to die. I want to die. I want to write it over and over until I have the courage and it leaves me. Breathing is so hard but it only gets harder.

That night I wanted to see you marked five years since. I couldn't be alone. I was frightened. You wouldn't come and I will never forgive you. I will never forgive myself.

All I need.

All I need to do is calm down. I somehow manage to get myself so worked up about things these days. I wear my heart on my sleeve much more often than I am comfortable with. I used to be way better at all this.

Anyway, it's 2011, so I have resolutions. I wrote these down at Southbound while I was roasting in my tent. I was probably pretty delirious, but it doesn't come out that way :D I think.


1. Never ever ever everrr get as drunk as you did last night.

2. If you are awake and functioning, go to uni.

3. If you are at uni, go to your classes. Duhhh.

4. Lose weight, stupid.

5. Save enough money for Japan and then some.

6. Make decisions, stick by them, and don't regret what you can not change.

7. Make some valuable contribution to the community.

8. Stay in contact with people who matter, and cut out those who are deteramental to your wellbeing.

9. Make money from something other than soul-sucking part time jobs.

10. Grow your hair longer than it's ever been before. Yeow!


YEAH.

I just made mousse and now there's chocolate all over my dress. I am high class personified.

The New Year

The New Year for me had a terrible start, and it doesn't really look to be getting any better.

New Years eve was horrible, and if you know me then you probably know what I'm talking about. Perhaps you're even questioning how it could get worse. True - that night was physically taxing, but there's nothing worse than mental and emotional hurt. There is too much weighing on my mind.

There is nothing to be gained here. I made a mistake months ago and I'm being punished for it today - everyday. I don't know how much longer I will last.

I don't want to be here anymore. I want to leave.

Now that I've left.

Now that I've left I expect they're all saying how stupid I've been. I imagine them sitting there, cradling their glasses in their palms. Their private gentlemans club making snide remarks about the silly young girl. What little she knows. How naive she is - how childish her sensibilities.

Or maybe they're not. Maybe they're not talking about me at all. Perhaps my absence stays unmentioned, and their conversation meanders down a different path. Maybe I don't matter that much at all.

I don't know what would be worse.

LETHARGYYY

LETHARGYYY.

It's how I feel. Blah blah blah.

Got commended for a writing competition.

Working tomorrow - maybe go out after? Haven't been to The Court in a while... But funds...

Terribly close to Christmas.

Am I drunk all the time?

Happy.

Alexi Wasser

Alexi Wasser says I have to do this, so I will. Even though I'm not American so I do not celebrate Thanksgiving. Nor does anyone I know. Regardless, it's probably I fairly fruitful activity, and I have nothing better to do.

10 things I am thankful for:

1. I'm still alive. This surprises me.
2. My family love and support me.
3. I can see who my real friends are; those who are loyal and trustworthy and who care about me.
4. My boyfriend feels more for me than perhaps I deserve sometimes.
5. I get to go to University, and even though I often act like I hate it, I appreciate the opportunity to learn.
6. I have a roof over my head and food in my tummy.
7. I have seen three continents and lots of countries.
8. I can appreciate the way I've grown during my life, but I have not lost sight of the things I still need to improve upon.
9. I was born with an almost-healthy body and a semi-fuctional brain, which is much more than some people get.
10. Most of the time I am doing what I want, and nobody can take my liberties from me - civil or otherwise.

We do have a lot to be thankful for.

Words.

Words are just words.

Except when they're not.

I didn't know, I'm sorry.

I don't trust you.

I don't trust you, and you are morose.
But what is there to trust?

I know the truth already.
I always have.

Words are only words and you say them just as others did before you.

As far as I'm concerned you lied to me, and that's much worse than saying nothing at all.
But no worse than I deserve.

You say that I'm too good for you.
How little you know.
It means nothing to me.

The first cut is the deepest.

My heart was ruined long ago - you can not break it again.