All I need.

All I need to do is calm down. I somehow manage to get myself so worked up about things these days. I wear my heart on my sleeve much more often than I am comfortable with. I used to be way better at all this.

Anyway, it's 2011, so I have resolutions. I wrote these down at Southbound while I was roasting in my tent. I was probably pretty delirious, but it doesn't come out that way :D I think.


1. Never ever ever everrr get as drunk as you did last night.

2. If you are awake and functioning, go to uni.

3. If you are at uni, go to your classes. Duhhh.

4. Lose weight, stupid.

5. Save enough money for Japan and then some.

6. Make decisions, stick by them, and don't regret what you can not change.

7. Make some valuable contribution to the community.

8. Stay in contact with people who matter, and cut out those who are deteramental to your wellbeing.

9. Make money from something other than soul-sucking part time jobs.

10. Grow your hair longer than it's ever been before. Yeow!


YEAH.

I just made mousse and now there's chocolate all over my dress. I am high class personified.

The New Year

The New Year for me had a terrible start, and it doesn't really look to be getting any better.

New Years eve was horrible, and if you know me then you probably know what I'm talking about. Perhaps you're even questioning how it could get worse. True - that night was physically taxing, but there's nothing worse than mental and emotional hurt. There is too much weighing on my mind.

There is nothing to be gained here. I made a mistake months ago and I'm being punished for it today - everyday. I don't know how much longer I will last.

I don't want to be here anymore. I want to leave.

Now that I've left.

Now that I've left I expect they're all saying how stupid I've been. I imagine them sitting there, cradling their glasses in their palms. Their private gentlemans club making snide remarks about the silly young girl. What little she knows. How naive she is - how childish her sensibilities.

Or maybe they're not. Maybe they're not talking about me at all. Perhaps my absence stays unmentioned, and their conversation meanders down a different path. Maybe I don't matter that much at all.

I don't know what would be worse.

LETHARGYYY

LETHARGYYY.

It's how I feel. Blah blah blah.

Got commended for a writing competition.

Working tomorrow - maybe go out after? Haven't been to The Court in a while... But funds...

Terribly close to Christmas.

Am I drunk all the time?

Happy.

Alexi Wasser

Alexi Wasser says I have to do this, so I will. Even though I'm not American so I do not celebrate Thanksgiving. Nor does anyone I know. Regardless, it's probably I fairly fruitful activity, and I have nothing better to do.

10 things I am thankful for:

1. I'm still alive. This surprises me.
2. My family love and support me.
3. I can see who my real friends are; those who are loyal and trustworthy and who care about me.
4. My boyfriend feels more for me than perhaps I deserve sometimes.
5. I get to go to University, and even though I often act like I hate it, I appreciate the opportunity to learn.
6. I have a roof over my head and food in my tummy.
7. I have seen three continents and lots of countries.
8. I can appreciate the way I've grown during my life, but I have not lost sight of the things I still need to improve upon.
9. I was born with an almost-healthy body and a semi-fuctional brain, which is much more than some people get.
10. Most of the time I am doing what I want, and nobody can take my liberties from me - civil or otherwise.

We do have a lot to be thankful for.

Words.

Words are just words.

Except when they're not.

I didn't know, I'm sorry.

I don't trust you.

I don't trust you, and you are morose.
But what is there to trust?

I know the truth already.
I always have.

Words are only words and you say them just as others did before you.

As far as I'm concerned you lied to me, and that's much worse than saying nothing at all.
But no worse than I deserve.

You say that I'm too good for you.
How little you know.
It means nothing to me.

The first cut is the deepest.

My heart was ruined long ago - you can not break it again.

How I despise.

How I despise you of no hope,
You of wafer-thin morals and beaten conscience.

How I curse the day our lips met
and our bodies entwined,
The manner in which your aura snuck in
to inhabit mine.

Your smell engulfed me - now I reek of you.

When we are together I can not breathe
but absorb your essence.
When we are apart only the taste
of your deception lingers in my mouth.

The tears which I have wasted on your countenance
lie heavy in my memory.
Those you have oft observed shed
but never stopped to hinder.

This time amounts to nothing.
Your lies are all I will remember.

I wish I could say I find your false-sentiments amusing.
I wish I could be so callous; as callous as you.

I dreamed.

I dreamed I was a colourful fish who got separated from her friends in the pond. I found myself in a shady, cool and languidly-moving river that I'd never encountered before. While at first I was afraid of the strange and new environment, I soon became absorbed in observing the beauty around me.

I swam along quite happily for a while, until the river began to narrow and I found I was heading towards some bright light. As I got closer I saw that the river was ending and this light was where it met some other body of water. Suddenly I realised that it was my pond - my home. I could see my friends frolicking around in the water and basking in the sunlight that filtered through. I realised I was cold.

I began to swim faster, eager to reunite with the fish who I'd barely known I'd missed. I got closer and closer, until at last I was right on the border of the two bodies of water. With one last burst of speed, I tried to break through. I couldn't. I was thrust violently backwards. Somewhere above the surface - beyond where my vision reached - was a waterfall and the movement of the water below as it hit created an invisible barrier.

Try as I might, I couldn't swim through. I was trapped, and I was alone.