I am stoned.

I am stoned as fuck and all alone in a dark room. All I can feel is the wall behind and the floor underneath. I can't see anything. Maybe there is an infinity of space around me. Maybe I am in outer space. Right on the edge. Right in the corner facing it all. I would never even know.

Alone.

I am not what you want. Not anymore, or maybe I never was. Just in my head. Consolation prize number one. The only time I come first.

I see them. They are legs and skin and lips. I am tears. But like them I am only on your mind as long as I am in site. Your head follows your eyes, just as your dick does. That's why I like to do it in the dark. I am the centre of your world when you are left alone - when no other tits fill the space. Can't you see the fucking irony you imbecile?

Second best, second best, second best. Nobody's first choice. Nobody's favorite. Nobody's one. It burns. And fire is the one hurt I can never seem to grow accustomed to. A blade pulled repeatedly over skin is preferable. But there's only so much blood you can watch as it beads and runs on the surface. There are only so many times you can stop yourself from pushing harder - digging deeper. Excavate a vein and pull till it bursts.

I want to die. I want to die. I want to write it over and over until I have the courage and it leaves me. Breathing is so hard but it only gets harder.

That night I wanted to see you marked five years since. I couldn't be alone. I was frightened. You wouldn't come and I will never forgive you. I will never forgive myself.