This will be the last time.

This will be the last time I write for you. Or at least, this is my hope for myself. Because if I have to re-play those days one more time in my head, I might die. I cannot sleep anymore. I cannot eat. I spend hours avoiding thinking about you; distracting myself in a futile attempt to forget.

I have stopped crying so much. But I have also stopped feeling the same way. I replace one vice with another. I can stave off tears with something else but it is more painful, in a way, and you would not like it. But who gives a fuck what you like.

I have replaced sadness with anger – love with hate. I do it to survive. I wonder sometimes if you will push through the screen and find me on the other side, as you said you would.

I think of the other times often. I think how little they matter now, and I think it should make me feel better. But it’s the same as then, now. I wonder if this time is the time that it won’t get better. Maybe this is how it will be forever. Maybe there is nothing to salvage – nothing to hope for.

I’m searching for new life, but all I can see is the ruins.

Previous post.

Previous post is a work in progress. Say what you will about it, because it needs some serious improvement. Thoughts??

The Doll.

The doll sits on a high shelf. So high, in fact, that most shoppers pass her by without so much as a glance. Every day she watches the tops of heads flit past, and she sighs. She often feels like calling out. “Hey!” she would cry, “I’m here! Look at me!” But the looped end of her string remains at the small of her back, and so the words will not come out.

She was pretty once, though she can’t recall the time. Her hair is still thick and dark and frames her perfect complexion. She wears a red dress of the softest fabric. Her hands are perfectly manicured, and her lashes as long and lush as they ever were. But there is a stain on the doll. It runs from her chin, under her dress, over her heart and across to the joint between her leg and her hip. It is the product of someone’s mistreatment from so long ago, but time has not faded it one bit.

Some days her only friend takes her down and dusts her off. He looks into her glassed eyes and smiles. She thinks maybe he sees something that the others do not. The warmth of his hand cupping her face reaches deep within her, and her rosy lips ache for his own. It’s these moments she lives for now, but they are fleeting and ultimately leave her feeling empty. His eyes will stray to the other dolls. Perhaps sometimes he will reach for one in plain view, as if he intends to swap them – but he never does. The doll finds herself on the high shelf again.

Early on a Monday morning, the doll hears the tinkling of the shop bell and sees a boy walk in. The clicks of his boots bounce off the walls as he walks through the room. He yawns, his eyes skimming lazily over the shelves. Finally, he comes towards her, and her heart skips a beat as she notices how very tall this boy is – how his eye line is almost level with her own. He sees her, and she knows the moment that he does. His face lights up and his hand reaches delicately for her own. His touch is unlike any she has felt before. His thumb brushes gently across her stain, but she does not flinch away. His fingers find her string and he pulls. “I don’t know how to love,” she tells him, “But I wish someone would teach me”. He is enchanted, and she watches him as he watches her. There is no one else.

He takes her home and places her on his desk. He glances at her now and again, a smile crossing his face. She knows that he loves her, so she doesn’t mind when he leaves her there alone for days. He always comes back. She watches him sleep, and though she longs to lie with him – to hear his breath up close and feel the warmth of his slumbering form – she is content.

Time passes and things change. The doll feels the difference in the boy, but she can’t explain it. One day she wakes to find him packing his things into boxes. He is hurrying, and in his haste he knocks a glass full of drink over. He does not notice as the pool of liquid spreads across the surface of the desk, finally reaching the doll and seeping into the hem of her dress. He does not see the corners of her lips turn down, and the tears escaping from her eyes. She wants to tell him, but it’s been months since he’s pulled her string.

The boy barely looks at the doll as he returns her to the shop. He hands her over and pockets the cash, and he is gone before she can stop him. She knows she will never see him again. Her old friend returns her to her shelf and she sighs. She feels the stain across her chest, looks sadly at the fresh one on her clothing and contemplates the time that she may spend in this very spot. Her life seems to stretch endlessly before her and she feels so very alone.

Who knows how long it will take for another boy to wander in off the street and find her? Perhaps it won’t happen at all. She is patient but not hopeful, because she knows it takes a very special kind to really want a damaged doll. But she will wait.

How detached.

How detached can one person become from all that surrounds them?

I suppose that we shall see.

People push from all directions. Why can't we co-exist in peace?

I wish.

I wish our stupid scanner would work. Dad is trying to fix it... In the mean time I guess I'll have to settle for taking shit photos.

I painted this last night, consumed with fatigue, but wanting to produce something pretty. It was supposed to be me, but she looks sooo very Caucasian. Dammit.

I am stoned.

I am stoned as fuck and all alone in a dark room. All I can feel is the wall behind and the floor underneath. I can't see anything. Maybe there is an infinity of space around me. Maybe I am in outer space. Right on the edge. Right in the corner facing it all. I would never even know.

Alone.

I am not what you want. Not anymore, or maybe I never was. Just in my head. Consolation prize number one. The only time I come first.

I see them. They are legs and skin and lips. I am tears. But like them I am only on your mind as long as I am in site. Your head follows your eyes, just as your dick does. That's why I like to do it in the dark. I am the centre of your world when you are left alone - when no other tits fill the space. Can't you see the fucking irony you imbecile?

Second best, second best, second best. Nobody's first choice. Nobody's favorite. Nobody's one. It burns. And fire is the one hurt I can never seem to grow accustomed to. A blade pulled repeatedly over skin is preferable. But there's only so much blood you can watch as it beads and runs on the surface. There are only so many times you can stop yourself from pushing harder - digging deeper. Excavate a vein and pull till it bursts.

I want to die. I want to die. I want to write it over and over until I have the courage and it leaves me. Breathing is so hard but it only gets harder.

That night I wanted to see you marked five years since. I couldn't be alone. I was frightened. You wouldn't come and I will never forgive you. I will never forgive myself.

All I need.

All I need to do is calm down. I somehow manage to get myself so worked up about things these days. I wear my heart on my sleeve much more often than I am comfortable with. I used to be way better at all this.

Anyway, it's 2011, so I have resolutions. I wrote these down at Southbound while I was roasting in my tent. I was probably pretty delirious, but it doesn't come out that way :D I think.


1. Never ever ever everrr get as drunk as you did last night.

2. If you are awake and functioning, go to uni.

3. If you are at uni, go to your classes. Duhhh.

4. Lose weight, stupid.

5. Save enough money for Japan and then some.

6. Make decisions, stick by them, and don't regret what you can not change.

7. Make some valuable contribution to the community.

8. Stay in contact with people who matter, and cut out those who are deteramental to your wellbeing.

9. Make money from something other than soul-sucking part time jobs.

10. Grow your hair longer than it's ever been before. Yeow!


YEAH.

I just made mousse and now there's chocolate all over my dress. I am high class personified.

The New Year

The New Year for me had a terrible start, and it doesn't really look to be getting any better.

New Years eve was horrible, and if you know me then you probably know what I'm talking about. Perhaps you're even questioning how it could get worse. True - that night was physically taxing, but there's nothing worse than mental and emotional hurt. There is too much weighing on my mind.

There is nothing to be gained here. I made a mistake months ago and I'm being punished for it today - everyday. I don't know how much longer I will last.

I don't want to be here anymore. I want to leave.

Now that I've left.

Now that I've left I expect they're all saying how stupid I've been. I imagine them sitting there, cradling their glasses in their palms. Their private gentlemans club making snide remarks about the silly young girl. What little she knows. How naive she is - how childish her sensibilities.

Or maybe they're not. Maybe they're not talking about me at all. Perhaps my absence stays unmentioned, and their conversation meanders down a different path. Maybe I don't matter that much at all.

I don't know what would be worse.

LETHARGYYY

LETHARGYYY.

It's how I feel. Blah blah blah.

Got commended for a writing competition.

Working tomorrow - maybe go out after? Haven't been to The Court in a while... But funds...

Terribly close to Christmas.

Am I drunk all the time?

Happy.